


Screaming (But You Never Make A Sound)

by etoilecourageuse



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, F/M, Grief/Mourning, HP Mental Health Fest, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Post-Second War with Voldemort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Potions, Psychological Trauma, Psychosis, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-10 23:57:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7013827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etoilecourageuse/pseuds/etoilecourageuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is difficult for Narcissa to cope without the potions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Screaming (But You Never Make A Sound)

The bedroom was dark, merely illuminated by the eerie silver glow of the full moon that would cause her skin to look even paler than usual, nearly transparent, as though the sorrow of the past months had turned her into a ghost. Absently Narcissa looked down upon her arms, twisting the tiny phial slowly within her hands and for a moment losing herself in the strange sparkle of the red liquid, vibrant and nearly transparent all at once. 

It had become a routine over the weeks, to wait for her husband to return from one of the countless gatherings and battles, to kiss him good-night and to swallow the potion in the hope that it would bring her relief, moments later fading into a fitful sleep, haunted by nightmares. It had become a routine, even now that the war was over, now that it was no longer necessary to wait for Lucius to open the door to the bedroom, even now that it was no longer necessary to… It had become a routine. And indeed the potion would at times bring her relief.

“You don’t need this, Cissy. Not any more. You are so much stronger than you believe.”

The quiet sound of his voice caused her to awaken from her trance-like state at last, caused her to smile as she looked up to find Lucius standing there mere steps away, his gaze resting upon her, both concerned and affectionate. 

Lucius… He had never been a man of words, not unlike her father in this regard, and yet he was so sweet in his very own way of comforting her, so sweet in his almost naïve faith in her strength… How much she admired him, for everything… As though she were strong… As though she had ever been… of course not. Did she even have memory of a time without potions? A time in which she had not been dependent on magic to sleep, to forget… Did she even have memory of anything, anything at all before the war? How could this possibly mean strength? And yet… Yet, wasn’t it over? Yet, shouldn’t she have recovered from everything that had happened by now, especially as she had been so lucky, shouldn’t she at least attempt to…? It could not possibly do harm to allow herself to fall, once, only once… It could not possibly do harm to break away for one night. This night… 

Narcissa gave a quiet sigh, gingerly, hesitantly placing the phial on her bedside table before reaching out for it once more only a second after, suddenly afraid, suddenly trembling. How… How could she…? How... But would it matter? Would it matter at all, as still she dreamed, still she seemed haunted by grief at times, haunted by fear? As though it would make a difference… As though… Perhaps it had only been her imagination, perhaps it had been her despair that had caused her to cling to potions as she’d had nothing else to hold on to, as in her darkest moments they had appeared to be her only hope… 

If only she were as strong as he assumed, but… Perhaps indeed it was time to move on, perhaps indeed it was over… Hadn’t the war long ended? Hadn’t they emerged victorious, as in times like these even to live was a victory? To move on… It was time to move on, time to... What would it do, to dwell on the past, what would it do to be dependent on potions forever, potions that would allow her to numb her emotions, and never to sleep again without their assistance? Hadn’t she overcome everything, anything before? Hadn’t Narcissa even swallowed down her pride and forgiven her sister at last, after all those years? Hadn’t she come to visit her in her darkest moments, watching her grieve the loss of those she loved the most? If Andromeda had survived, capable of leaving the past behind, of letting go, why shouldn’t she? Why shouldn’t she just…?

“I’m not as strong as you think, Lucius,” Narcissa said after a while, sighing once more as she reached for her wand, watching the phial disappear from her hands a second later. “But you’re right. I do not need this.”

When she looked up to her husband then, desperate for a moment to suppress her fear, she could see him smile.

*

It was strange still to look into her sister’s eyes after longer than thirty years, strange still to find her sitting right there before her in the drawing room, strange to hear her speak to her, her voice so quiet and tender… It was not like before, of course it wasn’t, as they could not possibly erase from their minds what had happened, what they both had done, as they were incapable of pretending that they hadn’t changed, more perhaps than they were willing to acknowledge. It was not like before, would never be, and yet… Yet the visits seemed to give them both comfort in a way.

Andromeda was smiling, but the circles beneath her eyes would reveal the truth, caused Narcissa to sigh as she realised that once more her sister had not slept, that once more she had shed tears and been too proud to approach her as she had promised to do in these nights of despair so many times before. But hadn’t Narcissa, too, been haunted by nightmares, hadn’t she, too, trembled so beyond belief as she had woken in the morning, long before dawn had broken? 

It was difficult without the potions, difficult to cope with her fears, her despair, difficult to handle her emotions as at times they seemed to overwhelm her, as at times it felt as though they had merely waited to take hold of her once more, waited to pull her into the darkness, so close to the abyss. She, too, had kept her silence, would not speak to her sister and not to her husband as she would not allow herself to burden them even further with her foolish concerns. 

“You look tired,” Andromeda said, speaking so suddenly that Narcissa could not help but wince, quickly shaking her head. She, too, forced herself to smile, biting her lip in order to suppress a sigh. 

“I’m quite all right,” she responded, briefly reaching out her hand for her sister’s. “Do not worry about me… It’s just that Lucius was snoring so loudly last night that I could barely sleep – hopefully he won’t fall ill…”

Ridiculous… Of course it was ridiculous even to think of such a thing, of course Andromeda would not believe her, as hadn’t she always been able to see right through her? Hadn’t she always sensed whether or not she was telling the truth, even now? So suddenly the smile disappeared from her lips, her movements freezing mid-air as she was about to lift her cup of tea to her lips. The expression upon her eyes… It terrified Narcissa, terrified her so beyond words as she cursed herself for speaking at all, as she cursed herself for her weakness… Wasn’t she supposed to be strong? Wasn’t she supposed to be there for her family, to be strong and never to break? Wasn’t she supposed to…? 

“Cissy…” Andromeda breathed, her voice no louder than a whisper and eyes wide open as though a simple lie had deeply unsettled her, as though she had not quite processed the words, as though… “Have you been taking your potions?”

The potions. The potions… Weeks had passed since Narcissa, encouraged by her husband, had made the decision; weeks had passed since she had banished the potions from her life in the foolish assumption that she had gained enough strength to cope with the consequences. Weeks had passed, and she had never told her sister, too ashamed of herself to speak about things like these when in truth it was Andromeda who had lost everything. Anything. 

Silence… Even now Narcissa would not speak, even now she would not respond, lowering her gaze and holding her breath to prevent her body from trembling, dared not move… Silence. 

“Narcissa. Look at me.”

The expression in her sister’s voice frightened her, caused her to wince once more, to once more shake her head, and to rise from her chair, turning away from her, willing to leave the room, in silence still, to lock herself into… But how could she? How could she even consider…? 

She could hear Andromeda rise, too, felt her hands upon her shoulders and wished so despairingly to be alone, wished so despairingly to be capable of keeping her tears from flowing, capable of holding back… Andromeda… Andy… Her sweet Andy… She could not allow herself to weep right there before her eyes, could not… 

“It’s getting late,” she whispered, her voice breaking even in her attempt to appear strong, as though she had never allowed herself to give in, even if only for a moment. “Would you like to stay for dinner? Lucius should be home any minute.” 

Andromeda gave a sigh, so quiet and yet so deep, so full of sadness… So full of worry. That she was still capable of worrying, that after everything she had happened she was still capable of… How much she admired her. How much Narcissa admired her, how much she had always admired her, and now… Now, even to look into her eyes, and to see the hope there, the burning hope, even after everything that had happened… At times it seemed impossible. But now? Now she sighed, seemed hesitant to speak further, now, for only a moment, the hope seemed to have faded… 

“He’s gone, Cissy... Lucius is gone… He’s dead, you buried him months ago… You… Please… Please, you need to take your potions… It will be all right… I promise, everything will be all right, but you need to take your potions… You cannot…”

All right. How could she possibly say such a thing? All right… As though anything would ever be all right again, as though her sister had a right to speak out the words, these outrageous words, as though she… All right… Nothing would be all right, nothing! Gone… Lucius… Gone… Hadn’t she seen him? Hadn’t she been with him each night since the war had ended, not in her dreams but fully awake, wouldn’t he step through the large entrance door any minute, wouldn’t he…? All right… As though… All right… 

Gone. Of course he was gone, had left his home too long ago and never returned, fallen in battle mere weeks before the war had ended... Of course he was gone… And how could she deny it any longer? How could she allow herself to believe, to…? Of course he was gone… And hadn’t the potions drowned her grief, her despair, in apathy? Hadn’t they taken him from her for good, denying her even to lose herself in his phantasm? Hadn’t they… Gone… 

Narcissa wished to scream, wished to scream on top of her lungs, to cry out her sudden anger and to break down right there before her sister, wished in this moment to lose herself truly, to curse her for reminding her of what she was so desperate to forget, to curse her for… The potions… They had… She wished to scream… But she wouldn’t, of course she wouldn’t, had never screamed… Never… 

She wished to run, to run and never to stop, wished to give herself to the ocean only to be once more united with him… But instead she walked, walked slowly away from her sister and up the stairs towards her bedroom, not even bothering to close the door behind her back as she knew that so soon Andromeda would come to join her… For a moment it felt as though she had gone into a trance, even as she found herself seeking for another phial of the potion in the cupboard, even as seconds later nausea seemed to overwhelm her even at the sight of the liquid… The potion… It had… 

No. No! The phial burst into a thousand shards as Narcissa threw it against the wall with full force, the potion was lost… But she would not surrender, not again, she would not give in, covered her face with her hands, her body slowly crumpling… Gone… Of course he was gone, of course…

She would not look up, not even as she could hear steps so close to her, would not look up until minutes later, gasping as she realised who had joined her in the bedroom, slowly rising from the ground… Right there before her stood Lucius, looking at her in silence, his gaze resting upon her as he reached out his arm for her… They had not touched each other for so long… She knew what it meant, Narcissa knew what it meant, knew so very well… And she would allow it to happen, no longer faltering, no longer afraid. When she took his hand at last, intertwining her fingers with his, he smiled, smiled at her with such affection… When she took his hand at last, when he wrapped his arms about her shivering body, she was free.


End file.
